Cannot and Don't Want

Life is full of choices. In fact, it is so important to us that we fight or work hard to have those choices. Even the choice of whether we want to work to have those choices is a decision one must make.

But we are frustrated because of choices too. Families in the big towns will choose from national schools, private schools, popular schools, neighbourhood schools, etc. And many are frustrated because they cant get a place for their child in a particular school. I know of a small town where there is only 1 school. Every parent is happy that the child is going to school. No choice.

Back to the idea of Cannot and DontWant. Because we have choices, many times our choices are guided or limited by Cannot and Dontwant. What's the difference?
Cannot refers to something that I dont really have a choice about because someone, some book, some principle or something states that I cannot do. With a height of 1.60 metres, you cannot play basketball professionally. With serious colour blindness, you cannot become a graphic design artist for magazines. I am married, so I cannot have sex with other people. I am a respected member of an organisation so I cannot take part in "wrongful" activities.

Dontwant refers to something you can choose and you choose not to. I can eat hamburgers or sleep at 10pm or have extramarital sex, steal a stack of paper from the office but I dontwant. You get the idea.

So what's so interesting about the Cannot and DontWant? Well, Cannot is often bent when it is convenient. Convenient may mean nobody is watching, it is too small to matter, or the alternative is too troublesome. Because Cannot is imposed, and not "natural" to the individual.

DontWant normally stands most of the time. Because it is a true choice of the individual.

Where am I going with this? Because society makes us behave with more Cannots than DontWants, we practice our lives in a make-belief world of restrictions. These restrictions are often thrown aside once we are out of reach of the "whatever" that is imposing the restrictions.

I have asked many female friends of mine whether they will sunbathe topless on a beach, and the answer is always "No!". But when the location is extended to a beach in a foriegn country that allows toplessness, and that there are people around but none that knows them, the answer almost always comes back as "Yes". (I didnt ask the conservative ones, since something like this should not be even discussed with them.)

So I dont know what is the ratio of topless sunbathers to covered sunbathers, but I know the ratio increases drastically once they are in a foriegn land. So Cannot locally, Can elsewhere. Of course the conservative ones who will say no even if they have a private backyard with 20 feet walls. But those are not Cannot, they are DontWant. See what I mean?

So we become different when we are in a place that no one recognises us. (Just like how someone described that you are your true self only when no one is watching.) In Malaysia, almost all drivers ignore many traffic signs especially "NO U-TURN". These same drivers obey the same sign when in Singapore. Cannot is at work again. (For readers who may not be aware, in Singapore, cannot means cannot, while in Malaysia, cannot means can if there are no cops around)

Given that we are mostly governed by Cannot, what are we like when the restrictions are removed? Do we start physical relationships with everyone we like? Do we park our cars anywhere that is convenient for us without considering other drivers? (perhaps we already do?)

If Cannot is truly strong, then there will be little vice, affairs or crimes. Of course, Cannot is weak and limited, and therefore we have the choice again.
So, dont believe people when they tell you they are XXX and therefore they do not YYY. Check if it is a case of Cannot or DontWant. If it is a case of Cannot, it can be easily changed. And seldom do you meet a real DontWant.

What about you? Are you guided (or limited) by Cannots that are externally imposed? How many truly DontWants do you have?